From Cigars to Neckties - Columbiana

3 out of 5 Popcorn Kernels

See Trailer Here

There is quite a suspension of belief when it comes to the movie Columbiana, but it handles this with such seriousness that it becomes a rollercoaster of high adrenaline, and you are just there for the ride. 

And what a ride it is.

From childhood, Cataleya has had killing in her blood, and it started way before seeing her parents killed before her eyes - because her father Fabio, was paying off his debt to leave the drug lord Don Luis(Beto Benites), but for insurance, held on to a key piece of evidence denoting all his dealings. Well, he passed on this piece of information to his child, Cataleya - and in one fell swoop, as the men, one named Marco (Jordi Molla), tried to accost her, she manages to injure and escape their grasp via rooftops, and sewer systems, and a myriad of hallways. Yea, she was not meant to be a desperate housewife.


She gets into the states where she meets with her uncle Emilio (Cliff Curtis), who, upon her duress, makes the decision to train Cataleya as a professional killer; but she has to go a regular school first. She is afterall, barely Twelve. Talk about a role model. 

An Eye for an Eye

Then we flash forward to Cataleya as an adult (Zoe Saldana), and we watch as she begins her plan for revenge, in a jumpsuit, or short skirt, or tight pants, or...whatever. She wore more on the set of Avatar, than in this movie. All this while she wields semi-automatic weapons, and slips through ventilation shafts, and manipulate electrical units, and operate remote bombs beyond the technology of the James Bond era. But who cares...Zoe is doing it. And she does it so well, with so much seriousness, that we believe that at her young age, and possibly having only graduated high school at 18, that she would acquire not only the smarts, but the ability to handle a variety of  weapons, but every electrical system, and locked door in the free world. And still manage to battle the challenges of love, with her handsome boyfriend, Danny (Michael Vartan - of the Alias television show).


The star of this of course, is Zoe as Cataleya - her versatility is stunning. This movie got a lot of flack from true Colombians, who thought the depiction was on the bad side of being stereotypical. And in part, I have to agree - but since this movie seems more parody/adventure/fantasy/action - than anything else, it all comes across as comical. With Zoe's Dominican and Puerto Rican heritage, I admire her ability to meld many cultures, without becoming a stereotype herself. Her acting is better than the script deserves, and I believe that is because her fans KNOW she has been in better, and here she is having fun. I found her performance more convincing that that of Angela Jolie in Salt - as their characters run across the same lines.


As for the other actors, and for Danny in particular. Whenever Hollywood chooses an actress of Zoe's shade, and style, why must she always be paired with an Anglo-Saxon? Danny's part is such a plot device, that I didn't mind, and this at least gives the film a diversity for the audience it is trying to appeal to, but really - hasn't the industry grown up just a little more than that to film a country saturated with Spaniards, and Cataleya's family from a Catholic heritage, and she can't find a man that at least knows Spanish? Where did she meet this boyfriend of hers? Was it while shopping for bullets at the local Piggly-Wiggly?


But for all that it fluffs up, it is a good movie with action aplenty, that manages to even laugh at itself...but don't tell Cataleya that-cause she's no joke.